How to be a Classy Drunk at a PGA Tour Event
Watching a live sporting event and drinking alcohol go together like beer and peanuts. Attending a PGA Tour event is no exception, just as long as you don’t lose your damn mind in the process. Don’t think excessive drunkenness is an issue at Tour events? Tell that to the numbskulls who stole a golf cart from Quail Hollow and drove it into – literally into – a Charlotte bar last week. Their issue wasn’t that they were overserved at the Wells Fargo Championship; it was they didn’t have proper guidance on how to behave appropriately after getting blind drunk.
Luckily for all of you, I have a Master’s degree in appropriate behavior while being inappropriately intoxicated. I’ve also gotten drunk with a PGA Tour superstar, so that makes me more than qualified to present How to Be a Classy Drunk at a PGA Tour Event.
Of course, I am nothing if not a man of the people. So I asked my friends on Twitter for their best tips on how to put "class" in "class-action lawsuit for public intoxication." As usual they did not disappoint.
Just as a proper address position and grip pressure are in a strong foundation for your golf swing, preparing your stomach for hours of alcohol abuse is critical to success.
— Bryan McLean (@Golfbybryan) May 21, 2015
Truer words have never been spoken, friends. Drinking tequila in the morning prior to watching golf is like eating a burrito before going on a roller coaster. You'll have a ton of fun at first, but in the end you'll just shit your pants. Beer isn't the best way to start your day, either. It's filling, bitter in the morning and will fill your bladder in no time. You'll also be reserved to chugging suds at the tournament (unless you want to drop $10+ on premium liquor, you snobby sonofabitch), so take advantage of your liquor cabinet to go from Respectable to Buzzed in no time. Any clear liquor will do fine, but gin is definitely the classiest of the bunch.
Scoping the Scene
Once you've arrived to the course -- by way of a taxi, designated driver friend, or shady Uber driver -- it's time to head straight to the nearest beer tent. Most tournaments won't serve you until after 11am, so I highly recommend choosing a tent closest to the back nine. This way you'll be able to catch a few of the early groups making the turn while you wait for kegs to get tapped. When the Holy Hour arrives, ask what the maximum beer-per-person ratio is that day (usually it's something like "two beers per person max"), order that number, and throw in a pretzel or hot dog. BREAD IS YOUR FRIEND. The more things you have in your stomach to soak up booze, the less likely you'll be to barf on a marshal.
Once you're nice and lubricated with a few adult beverages, chances are your inhibitions are far behind you. This is where gentlemen are separated from the lunatics.
Newsflash: nobody likes the "MASHED POTATOES!!" Guy. In fact we hate him. Don't be that guy.
Ugh. This is not a new thing to shout, folks. Tournament marshals are aware of this trend and will kick you out off the course pronto. There are only two instances when it is appropriate for you and your drunk friends to scream at a Tour event:
- You are in the stands on hole no. 16 at the Waste Management Phoenix Open
- In the middle of Ian Poulter's golf swing (because fuck that guy)
Keep those in mind and you'll never be escorted out of a tournament. Guaranteed.
A Little Something for the Ladies
Guys aren't the only fans who can enjoy a Tour event while sauced beyond belief. Female patrons have been known to cause a ruckus on occasion as well.
— Kara Hoover (@KaraKoo) May 21, 2015
That's right ladies: just because wine is the classiest Day Drinking fuel of all, spilling it on yourself still makes you look like a moron. A wise person (who I just made up right now to make a point) once said, "Walking around in heels on a hilly golf course while drinking wine is probably not smart." We all love sociable drunks, but wine's high alcohol content makes it a slippery slope when not consumed in moderation. Be strategic, girls.